in all honesty

Your way reaches beyond comprehension into a realm of beauty that none may fully know at such a time in such a world. i cannot begin to imagine You. i wish for You to reveal to me and yet i am afraid of what i may find. my questions seem unending and there never seems to be a corridor with doors to try. are Your answers available to one as ignorant as me? what must my heart become that it may know You?

i have long heard of transformation. and i have long misunderstood it, i am afraid. for when has my heart been reshaped in accordance to Your eyes? do you smile in my simplicity? i would not mind if You did. truly, i would not mind.

i read in the Psalms and fail to understand "i hate those who are double-minded" (for i am one), and "do not let me be ashamed of my hope" (for i am not even aware of my hope through You), and "my eyes shed streams of water, because they do not keep Your law" (for i do not seem to notice or show remorse in my own rejection of Your law), and "Your commandments are my delight" (for i cannot recall a time when they were). and my heart aches because i do not understand- i do not relate to these words. i am ashamed and yet those answers i must find remain out of reach. how? i need to know how.