Monday, June 8, 2009

Unfocused thoughts today

A sister is married. And I have a brother-in-law. I don't know what to make of all that.

Things I thought would be underway by now, are stagnant- caught in an unmoving time- and altogether disappointing in a rather passive way. Things are rarely as you imagined they would be and I'm okay with that. Otherwise, the element of surprise would be tampered with and life's result, quite mundane in the end.

I sit at my desk and my eyes wander to the LCD screens where students are rehearsing. Contraction and grace demonstrated with lingering unease. Formations remain forced and delayed. They're not quite comfortable yet. Once they know the steps, they will find themselves in the music. They have time to find themselves and familiarize themselves with the movement.

There is a mild jealousy in me. I would do well to be dancing. I would do as the instructor asks. I would. I would find myself in the music. It has been a long long time since I learned another's choreography and found a way to express myself in another's creation.

I'm too tired to stay on one topic, see? :)

Jason has, once again, returned to the northern California town of Windsor. I remain behind waiting for another opportunity to see his face. It never gets easier, I'm pleased to say. Yes, pleased. For in goodbyes, you find surety of your feelings. I always want to cry. I don't think that will change. And I'm happy that I miss him so much. Maybe that sounds strange, but not to me.


Jason Pestell said...

I'm glad also to read of these thoughts. I long for the day when my leaving will be for a conference or a short visit to a friend or an occasion on which you will join me because leaving will be vacation from the home, our home, not from the home where my heart is, but the one we'll share for habitation. Yester weekend and month were Stephanie & Andrew's times; the soon after tomorrow I look forward to...