Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Recognizing my current state

I haven't wanted to answer my phone. I haven't had the desire to open my gmail account and check my mail messages. I haven't wanted to be connected to my daily-ness.

I've wanted fresh, rejuvenation. I've wanted time to hear my thoughts without background buzzing. I've wanted to figure things out and formulate some conclusions from thoughts that have been jumbled and back-burnered for quite some time. I've wanted a lot of things.

And it is all about me.

Even when I don't recognize it, it is. It's that subtle understanding- perspective- mentality- to which I am constantly befriended. Such a comfortable, familiar friend. Myself is quite loyal to me. No wonder we get along so well.

What I've described in the past as wrestling through issues, isn't really wrestling at all. For wrestling takes two different thoughts, battling with one another to see which will prevail. I've claimed "I'm wrestling through some things," but I don't really think I have been wrestling at all. In truth, my state has been something else entirely.

The thoughts aren't so much in conflict. I've pretty much come to a conclusion. I'm just not resigned to it. In selfishness, I don't want to do something I don't want to do.

At entirely the same time, I don't want to be where I am. I don't want to feel stagnant and motionless all the time. I don't want to look back and see hours and days and months and years of waste. I don't want to forget everything that matters.

I'm unsettled. Discontent and ashamed of how I have let myself slide into whatever this state is. As I sit outside in a cool, perfectly windy backyard full of oak trees, listening to a melody of a new song being written, I feel strange.

Strange, because there is a feeling of discontent when it would appear it could be most content. And then I remember. I remember what, in actuality, the purpose of everything is. Then, of course, it falls into understanding and "no wonder there is such a discontent."

Owning up to something must somehow invoke an action.

Every man's way is right in his
own eyes,
But the Lord weighs the
To do righteousness and justice
Is desired by the Lord more than

(Proverbs 21:2-3)