Wondering

Vacation is over. It was bliss and tiring at the same time. For 11 days, my Love and I were together and I remembered what I have been missing these past several months without him. I am tired of long distance and at the same time, see how it is allowing me to struggle through some things without defining myself as an "us" rather than a "me." And I think that is important.

Jason is a gift, a precious gift, but one from whom God can take me away or allow me to move nearer. While I want, with all my heart, to marry the wonder-full man I love, the moment I put that dream above the possibility of a different dream of God's, is the moment I have to re-evaluate. I am trying to understand what it means to be a disciple first. I'm trying to understand what marriage really is and what purpose deems it the right choice. I know there is so much more than I understand at this given time.

Last night, I stayed up late into the night talking with B. We each lay on our childhood bunkbend, me on the top, her on the bottom just like always. There is so much going on in my head and there are so many options. I have been thinking about why I haven't been pursuing art school with the fervor I was before. I thought that was what I wanted. Maybe it is what I want, but not on what my focus should be. I feel like something is stirring and I'm really thinking (and hoping) it's God.

Of course, God stirs, and I get afraid.