Peace Abounds

This morning, I awoke feeling as though today were the one of the last. As if the delicate world, spinning in it's universe and swarming with all its colors, people, and contraptions, were somehow unaware of something. And I felt a certain sadness and acceptance all at once.

Four snails climbing the fence outside made everything seem simple and good and sure while thoughts were disorganized and in-and-out of my head with varying emotions.

Last night, a dear friend told me of an experience that served as a wake-up call in his life. Late last night, I had one myself. And I'm not sure when it exactly happened, but I know that in the midst of utter fear and uncertainty, I was given indescribable peace. -- My boss, Apphia, told me just last week that clients often give one reason when they express they'd like to leave the company, but often enough if you can get to the root of the problem, it's fixable. Simple psychology. -- And last night, I got to the root of my problem:

I am afraid. I am so afraid. And I have been so for a long time. And where there is fear, there is no trust. And where there is no trust, there is a compromised relationship with Him. And as I lay in my bed, listening to Him through him and Him through sudden thoughts, I was faced with the realization that my fear has stagnated me and I haven't even noticed until now. And with stagnation, there is no motion. And I have not acted on my fears to pursue and seek Him and have found myself isolated from the Church, unsure of my faith and closeness to Christ, and afraid of so much. Jason described having confidence in Him, not myself and my faith. Jason is excited for the Lord's coming, His name being known, and His glory being shown. He is confident in His plan being perfect and good. I am afraid.

This long discussion went late into the night and as we spoke, a peace transcended all worries, insecurities, and fears and I was left with direction and assurance. It is difficult to describe now and my eyes keep flitting around my office as if searching for more words. I don't feel as though I know anymore than I did, but then at the very same time, I feel as though so much has been brought to the surface of my understanding. In technical terms (albiet how cheesy it may sound), the "diagnosis" has been made and now I can deal with it. The root of the problem has been unearthed. It's not all peaches and cream and I'm afraid even of this, but somehow that peace is still enveloping me and I am so thankful.

Jason encouraged me to write as it is a helpful tactic of mine to process my thoughts as well as remember them. So that is what this is. Last evening and today has been so sobering. So exposed. And I'm worn, yet encouraged.

"And those who know Your name will put their trust in You,

For You, O LORD, have not forsaken those who seek You."

- Psalm 9:10

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,

Whose confidence is in Him."

- Jeremiah 17:7

"Who is among you that fears the LORD,

That obeys the voice of His servant,

That walks in darkness and has no light?

Let him trust in the name of the LORD and rely on his God."

- Isaiah 50:10

"He will not fear evil tidings;

His heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD."

- Psalm 112:7