Monday, March 31, 2008

Monday Morning Again

This morning, I found a leaf on the floor in my office. A pretty little thing, but quite out of place. And that was after my bowl of Life cereal, which did not wake me up as much as I'd hoped and thus- did not live up to it's name. In other news, this cold I've had since the beginning of March continues to cling onto me for all it's worth and has been deemed "ridiculous."

I tried Ben's church group, Exodus, last night and sat with BB and Joseph. It was different and I almost wished it were longer. It was good to be singing and thinking about Matthew 6:25-35, which - I think, not coincidentally - tells me "Do not worry." The man who speaks on Sunday nights, who's name I can't recall, said a sentence that really summarized what my fear is all about: "I'm loving this life too much."

I am afraid of not being able to do the things I dream of doing and being with the Someone I dream of being with for the rest of my life. I am afraid this world or my life will all end before I get to do and be. This is all selfishness, I know, but I am actually afraid of not having these things. I certainly am not waiting for the Lord with the hopes of witnessing His glorious return and being able to praise Him with all that I am. It's a matter of priorities and surrender. It must hurt His feelings. What I care to put in place number one instead, that is.

Doubting Thomas

What will be left when I've drawn my last breath,
Besides the folks I've met and the folks who know me,
Will I discover a soul saving love,
Or just the dirt above and below me?

I'm a doubting thomas,
I took a promise,
But I do not feel safe,
Oh me of little faith.

Sometimes I pray for a slap in the face,
Then I beg to be spared 'cause I'm a coward,
If there's a master of deat,
I'll bet he's holding his breath,
As I show the blind and tell the deaf about his power,

I'm a doubting thomas,
I can't keep my promises,
'Cause i don't know what's safe,
Oh me of little faith.
Can I be used to help others find truth,

When I'm scared I'll find proof that its a lie,
Can I be lead down a trail dropping bread crumbs,
That prove I'm not ready to die,
Please give me time to decipher the signs,
Please forgive me for time that I've wasted.

I'm a doubting thomas,
I'll take your promise,
Though I know nothin's safe,
Oh me of little faith.

Something peaceful by Kim Coles


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Kimberly Robin said...

I have been sick(again) for awhile and unable to read your blog. I have just got caught up on your journey with God, and trust.

I think that trust is something that American's (myself included) struggle with in general. We struggle with trusting our family, our friends, our significant others... it is no wonder that we don't trust our God either. Because, as you so clearly put it, we are selfish, and all too comfortable it our little personal blanket of complacency. Anything that rocks us, touches us, temps to rip our precious blankets away from us, cannot be trusted. We must doubt it, push it away, keep it away at arms length. If we as Christians really trusted God, how different would we be? We would be radical, full of joy, unafraid of anyone or anything that could keep us from loving other people. Wow, that is the kind of Church God wants us to be. The kind of church that is alive in third world countries, or in oppressive places like China, but not here, not in America where we are provided with the promise of having everything we could want or desire.

But you, you oh beautiful Daughter have discovered your sin. That is am AMAZING step forward. God will reward you for your discovery and even more for your desire to fix it. Most Christians will remain happy in their ignorance.