Saturday, June 16, 2007

i found love to be

i lay on my back on the floor. the fan spun above me so quickly that the four wings looked to be forty. and i couldn't breathe.

the laptop was opened and the song, sought. and upon reaching the place, i saw that it had been deleted by its creator. and the sobs came more quickly with less time in between and i couldn't breathe. i curled into the fetal position and lost track of the drops, though i felt every one. they needed to be there. they deserved to be there.

yet upon lifting my head to look again, i found that roses pt.2 remained. and there was a sense of relief for that is the song whose very essence was most significant. for it was the rose. i bid it accompany my vulnerability as the sun retreated and i found myself in a darkened room with only the closet light left on for some reason.

and vividly in my mind, i can see him getting farther and father away, his hand: a sign of love, stretched out of the window for as long as i could still see. and i clung to the lamppost and held it close to me for fear i would crumble to the pavement, for i did not trust myself to remain upright in such a moment. and those who deserved to be there welled up and blocked even my last view of his face and his extended hand. and though they deserved to be there, i wished they would have waited just one more moment that i might see him as long as i was given to him to see. and i threw out my hand: a sign of love, at the last moment, but knew he had rounded the corner before seeing it.

and once he was gone, i seemed unable to walk back. i just stared after the bend in the road and something caught in my chest and i could do nothing but lean against the wall and wrap my arms around myself and shake and sob. and finally, when i thought my sobs might reach the party, i recounted the pavement and passed the guests, seemingly unnoticed, and found myself alone. and the laughter from the next room, felt ironic and pained me.

how unusual this ache. this ache in my chest. it is not from being hurt as it has always been all my life. it aches from being loved and loving in return. and my jaw aches from crying so long.

how unusual this ache. this ache i my chest.