unapparently so

Friday, November 7, 2014

It is the eleventh month, yet November has not yet arrived. But, I've been pretending and that's helping.

This evening, I am sitting at my makeshift desk in the art studio, staring at my computer screen with what I imagine is a completely zoned-out expression.

Today, only 3 of our team were in the office. It felt like a ghost town and I half expected to see tumbleweed rolling down the hallways. By the time 3 p.m. rolled around, we were borderline loopy and kept visiting each other's offices periodically to see how the others were holding up. Don't worry, we still got work done. But, from what I could tell, each of our brains were working at half-assed--whoops, I mean half-mast.

I survived the day; and as has been the routine since late August, I rushed home to begin my second job in the art studio. I took care of some photography and editing, posted new items to Etsy, rearranged the online shop with newbies up top, wrote up a entry for the Lacelit blog, made some updates to the website, and then--

Quite suddenly, I was instantaneously outside of my work-mode self for a long enough moment to take note of my current status of being. A moment to assess where I've been, what I've accomplished so far, what I have left to finish in the weeks leading up to the holidays, and--honest-to-goodness, what a realistic picture of my life is going to have to look like for a while if I really want to have a shot at being an artist full-time someday.

I acknowledged that I've been go-go-going since the last week of August. 80+-hour work weeks, 4 sick days, 1 actual day off (last Saturday: bliss). And the alarming thing is that I've somehow gotten used to this fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants routine in a purely run-on-adrenaline kind of way. Lots of flying and running lately. I'm out of breath, but I haven't been working out.

I have further assessed that my ability to function in healthy form has decreased significantly, and I seem to have hit some kind of invisible wall that demands I pause and give it the attention it deserves.

So, as I was sitting here staring at my screen with that attractive zoned-out expression, and half-listening to an episode of something playing on Netflix in the background of my consciousness, a thought came into (what is left of) my brain. And, I reminded myself, once again, of what I have always done in years past when I needed to decompress, to rest, to rejuvenate.

Creative solitude.

And not Lacelit-related creativity. Personal creativity without goals or task lists or deadlines. A restful creativity that occurs simply when I am who I am in relation to an empty page and a pencil, ivory and black keys, or an open dance studio floor. Solitude in which everything slows to a gentle rhythm, like rainsong or wind rustling. Where it's still enough for you to hear yourself breathing or notice when your eyes flutter open and close.

I need stillness. Quietude. I need peaceful moments to push through this intense (yet necessary) phase where working full-time and working full-time again are required if I am committed to building something I want this much. Something that--for the first time in my life--feels 100% authentically me.

So, good evening to you all. As for me, I am shutting down my computer, leaving the studio behind, and retiring to my bedroom where I am going to lay beneath a wonderful down comforter and read something light and whimsical and inspiring until sleep claims me for the night.

Monday, October 20, 2014

At the end of long days, I have been finding sweet solace in playing with space on the pages of my little field journal. Putting pen to paper without any set goals in sight helps my mind unwind from hectic days. Such simplicity is gentle, and it makes me feel glad and tranquil.

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Lately, I've been immersing myself in watercolors and shapes. These happy

little patterns will be featured in my 2015 desk calendar and a stationery

collection debuting this fall (because fall is the bestest season of them all).

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Wednesday, April 16, 2014

We drove up, up, up on winding roads in moving fog. We ascended so high into mountains that a lake of clouds lay beneath. We visited Mountainside on the mountainside and saw some friends I had forgotten to remember lately. We followed trails through the woods, asking each other what the other would do if they were in the Hunger Games, and we got a little sunburned. We got lost in a labyrinth of colored string and left with a bag of yarn and stories of French Huguenots and abandoned "ghost families." Lakeside, we took note of everything and peace was near in gentle waves and swimming mallard ducks and the sweetest breeze that dances with your hair. We ate the most delicious Himalayan food I have tasted in thirty years of life. And we drove, down, down the winding roads in setting sun, back to home to sleep in our own bed.

big bear, calif.
© kimberly k. taylor-pestell, all rights reserved

Friday, April 11, 2014

Deciding to take a day off and go away together
is taking all the heaviness of the last few weeks,
and lifting pieces away and away and away,
until it is only me left again so that I can enjoy us.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Today, I wish to be very small and stand beneath

green ivy as if it were a jungle canopy above my head.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Monday, April 7, 2014

Sometimes, you just have to be brave and let people see your mind for a moment even if it's not what they might expect or want. Even when you know how it sounds or that it might not do any good for understanding anything better. And maybe you'll never really be able to measure whether it did anything at all, but being truthful for your own sake is still meaningful and good.

Sometimes, you just have to be a little bit brave.

hermonville, france

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

The initial goal was exercise.

The growing reality is that exploring the highlands north of our home each evening is pure enjoyment. Time outdoors together, presents us with a simple-yet-changing environment where intimacy and intentionality find their way between and around us. Along with it, are delightful words and carefree noticings. Light turns to dusk turns to night as we climb streets and hills, side by side, taking in the world and each other.

Perhaps this is how a routine becomes.

and how

Sunday, March 30, 2014

Today was spent amidst trees and light

at one of my favorite spots on this vast earth.

I wasn't expecting it because we were working,
but its vitality seeped in unobserved,
permeating and lifting us all.

lifting us all

Thursday, March 27, 2014

I can't decide if I'm cold or warm these days. There's been a bit too much coming at me all at once to tell. But, that's okay. I'll just keep a sweater at the ready. Lately, I've noticed that...

...taking a walk everyday feels incredibly good
...sometimes, I can wear green without looking jaundiced
...drinking really really cold water makes me happy
...I think Jason secretly wishes to be the sixth member of Pentatonix (so, Hextatonix???)
...setting actual Lacelit work hours for myself increases productivity and reduces interruptions
...the desire to choreograph will always rise up in me again eventually because it's part of me
...when we go on walks, I like to pseudo-house shop and Jason likes to borderline-trespass
...knitting can be a lovely way to spend an evening
...letting people go doesn't mean they won't return again

sharp and bright